Take a sip, and let's talk about death

A smothering wave of regret caught Guo Mengqi standing beside her uncle's coffin. She took a deep bow and said goodbye to him, whom she barely saw over the past 10 years, as she busied herself with a life far away from her hometown. "I kept asking myself how could this happen, why didn't I spend more time with him," Guo said. The painful feeling at the funeral, which still haunts her from time to time, is the reason why she turned to the Death Cafe.

Death Cafe, an event founded in London, was introduced in Chongqing earlier this year as a non-profit get-together for people to talk about death over food and drink. It is a relaxed occasion where people share stories, thoughts, experiences, and feelings about the heavy topic of death.

Death Cafe Chongqing has been held seven times at Songshan Hospital in Liangjiang New Area. [Photo/Songshan Hospital]

Guo remembers the story that changed the way she thinks about death. It was a wedding ceremony being held at the cemetery where the father of the bride was buried. "She wanted her father to see the ceremony. It was beautiful. The story made me realize that when we face death head on, we can better understand how valuable life is and that we should keep living and loving," Guo recalled.

Talking about death has never been easy in Chinese culture. "We are so happy about life, yet so reluctant to even mention death. By launching this event and educating people in Chongqing about death, we hope to help people live without regrets and be prepared when their time is up," said Wang Nan, who launched Death Cafe Chongqing.

Nan was struck by the experience of a friend, who was undergoing chemotherapy and wished she could live the past 10 years all over again in a completely different way. "She was a very strong and successful woman with a good life before becoming ill, but surprisingly she regretted a lot. So I started to think, life is too short, and if we realize that death is just around the corner, perhaps we can understand the meaning of life, live in the moment, and make every day count," Nan said.

Preparing for death is another topic the project tries to address. Wang Xiaoyan, a co-initiator of the project and a medical worker of 25 years, believes that medical workers should not only save lives, but also care about the whole process of life, which includes death.

"In the ward, it is not just the patient fighting a disease, it is a whole family struggling. The death of a loved one can be a painful and disorienting experience for friends and family, and they often don't know how to cope with the loss and grief. They are not prepared, given their lack of education on death. We want to help people prepare for their inevitable passing," Xiaoyan explained.

"Death Cafe has reached many people in Beijing and Shanghai, and we hope to encourage more people in Chongqing to join and to think about life and death. It might be a very slow process, but if each of our events can inspire one or two people, we will make progress. So far, we have seen more and more people becoming interested and participating in the event," Nan said.

As a nurse, Guo Mengqi used to cry a lot over the deaths of her patients. "Medical workers are supposed to be objective, but sensitivity to death makes me respect life more and makes me a better nurse. I still cry. But now I can better process my feelings and help grieving relatives with their emotions and arrangements. That is how the Death Cafe has changed me," Guo said.